Thursday, 12 March 2015

March 2015

This Sunday is Mothering Sunday, my first without Harry. I am trying not to think about what the day means. If you remember from my last blogg, I am in fact doing a 5 km mud run that includes an assault course. The assault course involves crawling under barbed wire in the mud, going through mud ditches and freezing cold rivers! In January it seemed a good idea, I thought the weather would be spring like, but currently it is still very mixed and wintery!
Having entered this challenge at least I have been focused on this and not Mother's Day. I couldn't face going to church and collecting flowers from one son, not 2. The focus being on mother's and their children. I must be greatful that I still have Callum, my mummy status well and truly still alive. 
Here is a link to our charity page, we are completing the challenge in aid of Martin House Hospice and Candlelighters.

Candlelighters have opened up a new building called 'The Square', it will be a new support centre. It is a 4 story building just outside LGI, very handy for the oncology wards. It has been refurbished throughout, restoring features to their former glory. I visited 'The Square' a couple of weeks ago and met a couple of oncology mums whom have children post treatment. The centre is lovely. There is a reception area with lots of seating and tea and coffee readily available, as were cakes! The team are expanding at Candlelighters and the charity is getting bigger, being able to provide much needed support. I have been involved in research with regards what support is needed to support oncology families and friends and at long last the tide is turning. Candlelighters have a 10 year lease on the building and money ring fenced for support workers. Other support workers will be commissioned as the areas of need are identified from families visiting the centre. There is also a therapy room providing massages and reflexology to those families affected by oncology. The future looks very exciting. A group of bereaved mums all with children whom died from Neuroblastoma will be meeting up next week. I know some of the mums, but not well and facebook provides the main link as we live different sides of leeds. 'the Square' will provide a tranquil  environment for us to meet up and share our experiences and support each other. Bereavement I am realising is with us for life. There is no real recovery, but an ability to learn to cope better. There will always be those down days, those sudden flashbacks, but we are learning to live again. We have bought a touring caravan to try and just do that. Regroup as a 3 and eventually have holidays with others.
Harry's first anniversary is on the horizon. My eyes well up thinking of that last day, how I told harry to fly away, to a place where he would have no pain. His skin was breaking down all around his bottom, with several grade 5 pressure sores. No mother should have to smell her son's rotting flesh, or dress the wounds. That last day was so surreal. I knew he was close to dying. I remember getting my hair done that day, as I knew we would be attending his funeral in the next couple of weeks and didn't know if I would have the strength to sit through a hair dressers appointment once he had died! Strange really. However, I was with Harry at the very end, holding his hand and telling him that it was ok for him to go from this world. 
We have so many happy memories to hold on to and share. I was watching videos with Callum the other day. He can't remember a lot of things we did, he can't remember harry being in hospital, but he will always love his brother, that I do know.